Nov 26, 2007
Human Dynamics
I remember my first day of high school, riding to school with my brother in our teal, 1993 Toyota Tercel. Was that me? Sometimes I feel like maybe it's not really my memory. Someone else must have lived it and given it to me to remember. Either that or it never really happened, but either way, I remember wandering through the unending, locker-lined hallways sometimes squeezed among the thousands, all taller than I was, who went to my high school, and then sometimes, always suddenly, alone. "That was the bell; get to class." "Oh, ok." I remember all of this, but I was so different then that I don't think it was me. I wore hiking boots to school, not Converse, and I hated UT. I was determined to get good grades, because all of my eighth-grade teachers told me that I should keep up my GPA, but what does that even mean to a fourteen-year-old? I went to church camp that summer, and they told me that high school bathrooms were covered with blood, seamen, and the glass of hypodermics.
Above all, I remember desperately cleaving to immobility. I remember wanting nothing to change, about anyone or anything. In that, I failed miserably. I am no longer that person, if I ever was. And now in the throes of college, where stasis is the paramount impossibility, I find myself, once again, scared and unsure of who I will be in four years. I'm writing about this because I had some serious problems with it while trying to choose a college. At first I wanted to go to Union almost solely because I knew it was a Christian school, and I didn't want to change into the classic collegiate drunkard, whose sole goal in life is to have sex with someone new. I checked out Wheaton in Illinois (where Billy Graham went) for the same reason. Stasis. That often-denied, irrepressible human desire to be still. I'm not saying that either of these schools are a bad choice, because they are both great universities, but I had the wrong motivation. I wanted to escape human dynamics, which is impossible for all but the closed-minded.
I think I have changed already. I took this class about market-based approaches to environmentalism, so I've started hugging trees and the like. I've gotten bolder, maybe prideful, which probably isn't a good thing. I write more, sing more, listen to more and different music (Feist, right now), read stranger and better books (The Road by Cormac McCarthy), study more, sleep less, have more fun, talk to more people, love more, show it less, listen less, smoke more, show off less...the list goes on. I have a hard time keeping up with myself and have mixed emotions about expecting other people to do so.
The first canoeing trip I ever went on with Scouts was on the Buffalo River in Arkansas, and I had to cross the river to take a swim test in a pool on the other side. They strung a rope across and warned us that we would probably loose our footing, and to hold on tight. I could feel the cold before I even stepped in, and when the water hit my bare chest, I couldn't breathe. Standing out in the middle of the river, the water pouring around me, barely aware of my existence, I remember thinking that If I lifted my foot to take another step, I would crash into my safety line, and that I would die. The water was so powerful. I stepped, and the river swept the sand out from under my other foot. I may not have died, but it hurt like hell crashing into the line, and I wish I would have let go and let the river sweep me downstream.
Let go. I was headed here all my life, and no matter where I go, it will follow, this irresistible change. Stasis doesn't exist. Thank God.
Above all, I remember desperately cleaving to immobility. I remember wanting nothing to change, about anyone or anything. In that, I failed miserably. I am no longer that person, if I ever was. And now in the throes of college, where stasis is the paramount impossibility, I find myself, once again, scared and unsure of who I will be in four years. I'm writing about this because I had some serious problems with it while trying to choose a college. At first I wanted to go to Union almost solely because I knew it was a Christian school, and I didn't want to change into the classic collegiate drunkard, whose sole goal in life is to have sex with someone new. I checked out Wheaton in Illinois (where Billy Graham went) for the same reason. Stasis. That often-denied, irrepressible human desire to be still. I'm not saying that either of these schools are a bad choice, because they are both great universities, but I had the wrong motivation. I wanted to escape human dynamics, which is impossible for all but the closed-minded.
I think I have changed already. I took this class about market-based approaches to environmentalism, so I've started hugging trees and the like. I've gotten bolder, maybe prideful, which probably isn't a good thing. I write more, sing more, listen to more and different music (Feist, right now), read stranger and better books (The Road by Cormac McCarthy), study more, sleep less, have more fun, talk to more people, love more, show it less, listen less, smoke more, show off less...the list goes on. I have a hard time keeping up with myself and have mixed emotions about expecting other people to do so.The first canoeing trip I ever went on with Scouts was on the Buffalo River in Arkansas, and I had to cross the river to take a swim test in a pool on the other side. They strung a rope across and warned us that we would probably loose our footing, and to hold on tight. I could feel the cold before I even stepped in, and when the water hit my bare chest, I couldn't breathe. Standing out in the middle of the river, the water pouring around me, barely aware of my existence, I remember thinking that If I lifted my foot to take another step, I would crash into my safety line, and that I would die. The water was so powerful. I stepped, and the river swept the sand out from under my other foot. I may not have died, but it hurt like hell crashing into the line, and I wish I would have let go and let the river sweep me downstream.
Let go. I was headed here all my life, and no matter where I go, it will follow, this irresistible change. Stasis doesn't exist. Thank God.
• • •
3 Comments:
I came across your blog when perusing the site for graduate school programs. just wanted to tell you that you are an eloquent and entertaining writer. your candor and sincerity is refreshing and applauded since this is quite a public space. at risk of sounding like your 3rd grade teacher, keep up the good work!
Hey Man,
Really nice blog you've got.
I'm Brazilian and I will spend a month at UTK.
I'm quite interested on knowing how things work over there.
If you could help I'd really appreciate.
Anyway, here is my e-mail:
mario_bmhv@hotmail.com
Thanx.
Thank you. I appreciate that. Good luck with the grad school search.
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